Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
