Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
