I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
