So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
