I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
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