I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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