Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
