mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
