he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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