And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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