If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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