Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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