do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
