Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
