Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
