How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
