He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
