I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
