omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
