she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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