On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
