It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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