i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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