I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
