I accidentally had phone sex last night
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
