so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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