I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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