my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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