He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
