We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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