Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I am midnight drunk by noon
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
