I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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