You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
