Cold hands, warm shart.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
