Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
