alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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