Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
