your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
it's like iHOP with fire
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
The uberlube is also flammable
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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