I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
