My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
