Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
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