Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
