I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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