there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
where am i from again
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
