Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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