broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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