I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
