I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
