This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I need to stop coming to work sober
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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