and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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