Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
