i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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