I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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