I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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